Is your partner a Sex Addict?
Do you suspect your partner of being a sex addict?
Have you ever found out that your partner pushed the boundaries too far with another man or woman, possibly at a social event or even online. Most of us would find this a painful experience. Perhaps it led you to “dig deeper” only to discover secret emails, messages or evidence of a serious flirtation. Perhaps you found evidence of an emotional affair, or you suspected one.
Many people have described this as feeling like you are literally being ripped apart. You’d have to be pretty resilient to deal with this and be able to move on with your life without support.
Is this you?
So now turn up the pain measurement dial to full volume.
You’ve just discovered that your partner has had four meaningless sexual liaisons during the past week while you were at work. The shock is palpable. The memories and the promises you made to one another are now in pieces.
Even if you think your relationship can cope with it, every month, year that goes by sees your sense of sense-worth decline just that little bit further. The nagging questions never seem to disappear – do you know where he is: is he paying prostitutes. Is he having sex with another woman, is he financing with a secret bank account or using family money. Does this progress to the point where he no longer hides it. You have had children together so you’re holding it all in – because they are most important thing! But what about your self-esteem, your relationship and what the children are consciously (or unconsciously) are picking up on.
And it’s not just men who are addicted to sex. The sense of rejection, depression and loneliness that being with someone who behaves compulsively applies to both genders.
Sex addiction. What’s it about?
As a therapist, I have seen and treated people with varying degrees of sexual compulsive behaviour – some were in control and aware, others were seeking gratification at all costs, regardless of the risks. Helping people with this sort of psychological and physiological disorder is complicated and treatment isn’t helped by the often-unsupportive view that sex addiction doesn’t really exist.
I’ve have previously written about sex addictionand how it affects people in my previous article. This blog, however, is about you.
Firstly, please believe me:
It’s not about you
A sex addict is not simply driven by an amazingly active libido – it’s not that obvious.
Unlike someone who chooses to have lots of encounters for enjoyment, a sex addict’s behaviour is more about trying to put a lid on their out-of-control anxieties and insecurities around relationships. Making sense of chaotic feelings.
Your partner may be using sex to as a way to cope with uncomfortable emotions. They may struggle with true intimacy.
This doesn’t mean that they don’t love you or find you attractive and maybe exactly the opposite, in fact. The problem therefore becomes two-fold – you are struggling to forgive themand naturally, you find the idea of intimacy with a compulsively unfaithful partner the most unappealing thing in the world, whilst they are dealing with their complex issues.
I see many clients presenting with low self-esteem and depression often related to the constant strong feelings of rejection – whether imagined or real.
The enabling debate
There’s a school of thought that you may find challenging and it’s this: “you’re co-dependent. You knew that your partner was having sex with lots of different men, didn’t you? How could you not know? Deep down everyone knows”
Well, the truth is that most partners experience the most profound shock on the discovery. It is absolutely and completely possible for someone to live a life of which you know nothing. You’re left unable to trust your own judgement, let alone your partner.
I’m an addiction counsellor and I can hear you.
The betrayal, the shock and disgust you may feel can cause pain like no other. It affects the most personal part of your relationship and cuts right to its heart; the part that’s inimate between the two of you. The part that bonds you together.
The word “upset” hardly starts to describe what you’re feeling.
The time for the partners of sex addicts to be heard is well overdue and I, for one, am listening.
I understand your trauma, your panic attacks and your anger. Yes, even your rage. I also appreciate how you’re turning that anger in on yourself. Depression happens that way, but I guess you already know that.
Should you stay or should you go?
I can’t make that decision for you.
Should you seek help with me, we’ll work on understanding sex addiction and how it’s hurt you. We’ll try to repair the damage and ultimately, you’ll be able to decide whether your relationship can be saved. If not, we’ll explore ways in which you can move forward towards happiness.
Reasons to stay
There are many good reasons to stay. If you still love each other and continue to share happy memories, you could forge a more honest relationship and live to a ripe old age together. If he or she is willing and ready to acknowledge responsibility and a willingness to change, that’s good, too.
If you know that you will lose something very, very special and truly understand what recover means, then I feel hopeful for you.
Reasons to leave
If, on the other hand, your partner is in denial, or that your values will always be compromised, you may have more of a challenge.
You may find that you no longer actually likeor respect your other half, or that you’re scared that being alone is worse than being with someone – anyone, in fact.
Can you forgive them? If you can’t, it may not last.
Of course, if there’s violence or abuse associated with his or her behaviour, I would counsel against staying.
I can help you to uncover the unique nature of your pain.
In many cases, it’s more than just about infidelity, it’s about getting that all-important dopamine fix. And as I said, it’s not about you.
Contact me today for help with your partner’s sex addiction. Everything is totally confidential.