What is the Problem with Porn?
This article for aimed at men who are into porn - straight men who are married or in a relationship, but whose porn habits are affecting important areas of their life, or is starting to.
Don’t worry, this is not a rant or a lecture nor am I passing judgement and before you say it, I know that some women are into porn as well as some couples - gay and straight.
It’s fair to say though, that most porn is aimed at heterosexual men. Most on-line porn is made by men, too. Both you and I know it.
Let’s be honest here: you’re reading my blog for two main reasons:
You’ve started to realise that pornography is getting in the way of satisfying sex with your partner, in fact, maybe any sex at all. You may have trouble getting aroused and you’re looking for some answers, even starting to search for solutions.
Or,
Your partner has told you to read it.
Both reasons are valid. Actually, there’s a third one: you may have clicked through to this article because you’re a bit curious. What exactly IS the problem with pornography?
Where is pornography in your life?
There are no physical symptoms for porn addiction. However, it may be doing you more harm than you realise. Is porn at the centre of your life? Are other things, like work, family and social life fading into the background? Maybe you’re making more and more excuses to escape from your partner for alone-time with your PC.
You may be wondering if that’s a problem. After all, they are only actors. It’s not real. And sometimes you just need a quick sexual release.
Well, here’s a few things that you may not know. And, a few things that may you already realise but are denying. Remember, this is no judgement call.
An addiction to porn is similar to other addiction
Let me introduce you to Dopamine. This is the “feel-good” hormone you experience when eating, having sex or doing something else that’s pleasurable. After orgasm or when you’re full, Dopamine stops flooding into your brain, mainly as a “that’s enough now” message.
With on-line gambling, tobacco and pornography, for example, the Dopamine levels in your brain just keep going. And going. The more these hormones keep on pumping into you, the more you want them.
With pornography, you are literally changing the chemicals in your brain. Those reward circuits are being mis-wired, causing sexual dysfunction and reinforcing your porn habit. Also…
You’re going to need something stronger
What turned you on yesterday or last week, may no longer work. There’s endless variety and novelty out there on the internet, so you keep searching for stronger and stronger images.
These images are affecting the way you view women. Studies show that exposure to the strong stuff can reduce your understanding of the true horror of rape, or sexual assault, not least because of what is available within a few clicks. I realise you’re not comfortable with that assertion. No one would be.
The question of choice
We need to get a little gender political here. Think closely about the women on screen. Do they really look like they’re enjoying themselves?
They may not have made an active choice to be there, or not in the way that you and I make choices. Their decision to go into porn is likely to have been governed by many other factors including – and I’m sorry to say this – being trafficked, coerced or faced with no other option.
Don’t tell yourself that they’re enjoying themselves. Many are drunk or on drugs in order to cope with what they’re doing.
Porn will affect your sex life
If you’re regularly using pornography, you’re likely to find that “normal” sex with your partner doesn’t turn you on any more. You may suffer from erectile dysfunction. Perhaps it’s already happening.
You know why this is. She’s just not as stimulating as the images on the screen. So, you use porn again. And so it goes around again.
You’re hurting her
Look, you don’t need me to say that if you prefer masturbating to pornography over and above sex with your partner, you are damaging the most intimate aspect of your relationship as well as possibly trust.
I support women whose partners are hooked on porn. The main message comes across clearly. Leaving aside the questionable nature of how pornographers portray women, your partner views your porn habit as infidelity.
You’re having “sex in your mind”with other women. She feels insecure, unloved and unsexy. Quite frankly, in her mind, she can’t compete. She may have asked you to stop, or even threatened to end your relationship if you keep doing it
And, if you’re trying to keep it a secret she probably knows what you’re doing, but is trying to ignore it. But you still keep hurting her.
There may be other underlying problems
Porn is an escape. You may find it a relief from the stresses and anxiety in your life. If you’re feeling low, pornography puts you in control – or it can seem to. Facing painful feelings may be a lot more difficult than temporarily running away from them.
So, if you’re ready to talk, I’m here to listen.
My counselling services are totally confidential and can be tailored exactly to what you’re hoping to achieve.
You don’t need porn - you do deserve happiness. Equally, your partner is worthy of your respect, kindness and affection. A life free from pornography could help you to embrace the true nature of intimacy. It could really help your relationship.